Guilty as Charged

•March 3, 2015 • Leave a Comment

guiltyHad to go to traffic court today .
I went through the motions of getting up early yesterday , driving 1 town over ,parking , lining up to talk to the prosecutor who by the way read each person’s charge(s) out loud so that anyone within earshot would hear all about your horrible deeds. Anyhow when my turn came she asked me for my last name and when I told her she said “ you’re not on my list” … I knew instantly that I had to have come on the wrong day ! I pulled out the notice from the court hoping somehow to rescue my pride…. Seeing my face flush she asked I came from out-of-town … I nodded sarcastically and responded “ oh yeah all the way from xxxxx” ( all of 10 minutes away during rush-hour).
Before my about-face and walk –of –shame back through the mob of impatient red light runners and cell phone talkers , I looked deep into her eyes and said “ nice to meet you.. I’ll see you in the morning”.

Sitting outside the courtroom today, I was anticipating the reaction of the prosecutor at seeing my ugly mug again, unfortunately it was someone else .
The charge was running a red , with a set fine of $450 and 3 points.
For the second time in 2 days I was guilty of failing to pay attention.
Fine was reduced to $150 no points.

Inspiring Words

•September 12, 2012 • Leave a Comment

“All women have the archetypal goddess energy at their core. However, most women are not really aware of this power to heal themselves and others. There are many reasons they do not have this knowledge on a conscious level. The obvious one is what society does to a female’s psyche from a very young age. In short, she is relentlessly bombarded with both hidden and overt messages to repress her very essence. She is taught about the world from a masculine perspective. She is taught to compete as opposed to cooperate, to analyze her thoughts as opposed to feeling them, to submit to the demands of others as opposed to remaining steadfast in her convictions. She must learn to adapt to the unconscious world where she feels like an outsider to her very being. She is confused about her body and how to relate to a man. She is buried alive.

The Divine Feminine is an endless reservoir of love and wisdom. But to whom and how much of this birthright should she share? Under what circumstances does she reveal a part of herself? Who is deserving of this generosity? Who can accept it without feeling threatened by such a tremendous overflowing source of desire and passion? She muddles through these thoughts and emotions without mentors or messages for navigating her birthright. She begins to abandon them. She tries, often in vain, to comprehend what society expects from her. Too often she never finds the key to unlock this mystery. She remains asleep to herself, to her chosen mate, and as a role model to any children they may have. Both endure the consequences of an unrealized birthright. For without the strength of a feminine compass, a man is unable to reach his full potential as a human being.”

Some men are beginning to recognize how the repression of women over the ages is affecting their well-being. They are acknowledging a sense of emptiness and a longing for greater intimacy. They are searching for a sense of satisfaction in the only places that society has been telling them, subconsciously, that they might find that ultimate satisfaction: pornography, strip clubs, paid sexual encounters and complex affairs. As they delve deeper into these areas they further distance themselves from any possibility of forming an intimate bond with their chosen mate.”

Goddess Maya

I’m thinking about all of the men i know , and I wonder how many of them would have made it past the first few lines.Probably 1 or 2 at best. I’m not pointing this out in a judgemental way, it just seems sad to think how much life is wasted due to social conditioning. When you think about it we aren’t given much of a chance to grow up with the wisdom to question what is deemed socially acceptable.


•September 12, 2012 • Leave a Comment

nothing thrills me to my core
only love

we fill our lives with duty and obligation
and an idea of success ..spoon fed from an early age
long held beliefs that couldn’t be further from the truth
my truth

I’m not moved by money

but love….
love races through my veins with the power of the universe
like a river swollen and wide
filling my heart completely
colouring my world vibrant and alive
shining the brightest of light
against shadows of worry and doubt

the voice in my head
is still paralyzed by waves of
bliss, joy .. pure energy.
the challenge is to stay in this place
not an altered state …
simply the way we’re meant to be


•July 4, 2012 • Leave a Comment






“Stay in this moment she said, don’t let the past deprive you of anything that doesn’t serve your deepest truth.” With that, Spirit Crow turned away, walking toward the purple sky of the setting sun.

Her gait was smooth and effortless as if she were being ferried by the wind. I let the weight of her words settle over me as I watched her grow small against the horizon .Of all the emotions available to feel in this moment, it was sadness that overwhelmed me. I drew a deep calming breath inward, feeling the cool of it as it rushed past my lips then flowing down deep into my lungs, the ache that had been gnawing at my core began to ease.

Her words echoing in my head

“  three nights under an open sky

    leave your old self to die

    find the voice that guides your heart

    emerge reborn on the other side”


I smiled and shook my head as I recalled the events that conspired to bring me to this place .A chance encounter at the Fox and Hound with a stranger I would come to know as Sparrow Hart.

   Our conversation started off awkward, I threw out a stock comment, “women can’t live with ‘em, can’t shoot ‘em”, and waited for words of agreement  –the secret password to everyman’s’ “Club Misery”.


 I can still see the way he looked at me, his head tilted to one side like a curious dog, his eyes black and wide. He stared at me long enough to make me uncomfortable. Looking back and knowing him as I do now, there was no doubt he was deciding whether to leave me to drown in my misery or throw me a line.


His measured response came in the form of a question,” do you ever wonder if there is something you’re not giving that causes your woman to make you feel that way?” The pace and tone of his voice was slow, effortless and full with certainty.  The question threw me. I felt anger building from somewhere in my gut, this guy had taken a swing at me without moving a muscle. Before I could think I spat out my defence “ I give her everything she could ask for, a beautiful home, a nice car,  a summer cottage and winter vacations in the sun”.. I saw his head slowly shaking “what the fuck man, she’s got EVERYTHING and still she’s unhappy, there’s no pleasing her!”


If you’re truly interested in gaining some understanding you’ll need to calm down, open your mind and really listen.” he countered, then waited on my response.

 “  So how is it you think you know all of this or anything at all about me”? I spilled through clenched teeth.

 Again he went silent for too long.

“As a man you have gifts to give, to your woman and to the world and none of the things you just mentioned are of much importance to either”. The wave of his truth crashed into me, as I struggled for some kind of response that might rescue me from drowning in this eddy of realization. “ If that’s true then everyone I know is suffering in much the same way”, my words surprising me. It was about that time I felt a discernable shift, something had altered my perception, as if I had been dragged from my world filled with bills and lights and college tuitions and dropped unceremoniously into a room lined with mirrors. There was no place to hide and judging by the grin smeared across Sparrow Harts’ face, no reason to hide. I had no choice but to listen.



The more we talked the more I realized how superficial the pieces of my life had become.   The questions he posed cutting right through my well-constructed façade and by the end of the night he had stripped me of all my hiding places. “OK” I stammered, “suppose you’re right and I do actually do feel the way you describe. How do I go about fixing all or any of this?”


“ You need to discover your truth and then live it.”


 As he stood to leave he handed me a business-sized card with only a name and a phone number on it. “She can help you “ was all he said.





 The length of my shadow growing in the fading sunlight pulled me into present, calling attention to my pressing need for shelter. I scanned the landscape; in front of me was an area of low scrub. There was a strand of trees a few hundred metres to my left. I set off in that direction, the cool of a late summer evening spurring me on.


The smell of decay greeted me as I reached the wooded area and the earth felt soften beneath my feet. The canopy of maples did a good job of blocking the breeze; while up above the wind rushed through fluttering leaves. 


 Ahead I spotted a crippled oak that had lost it’s footing in the soil and lay on its side, the victim an angry summer storm. The large rounded clump of earth and roots rose up to form a wall and half-ceiling to my future wooded home. The fading light told me I wouldn’t have time to build a proper debris hut, so I set my sights on a temporary version, knowing I’d have plenty of time to fortify it in the morning.

While scanning the forest floor it occurred to me how much of an intruder I must be to this place. Birds screeched out their calls, warning of my presence while invisible squirrels scampered noisily through the tunnels of fallen branches and leaves. I was the uninvited guest at a party full of old friends.


  Not far ahead I spotted a length of timber half buried in the ground, a perfect candidate for a crossbeam. I smiled at my good fortune and thought to myself how easily all of this was coming together. I reached down to where the log met the ground, wrapped my hands around as much of it as I could, then pulled, as I did I could feel the earth around it shift as the log moved ever so slightly. Determined, I squatted bending at my knees then gave a great heave, grunting and lifting with as much might as I could summon. At the same instant it jumped free I felt my hands lose their grip and slide helplessly upward only to be halted by a jagged stub of a branch.


   A jolt of electricity shot up my left arm causing me to release my weakened grip, the log finding the ground with a dull thud. I looked down to see that a flap of skin had been peeled away from the meaty part of my palm. White light filled my head, the pain hijacking all of my other senses. ”Mother fucker!” I screamed into the depths of the forest.

Instinctively I inspected the damage, I told myself it wasn’t as bad as I first thought, but that did little to calm the fear that was welling up inside of me. I knew my pattern so well by now, yet I was helpless to stop the inevitable escalation of my fear.

 “I’m all alone”,

 “there’s absolutely nobody to help and nowhere to turn”,

 “I’m in big trouble…

 “what am I doing here ?”,

 My thoughts seized control and fanned the flames of my panic. Summoning what was left of my reason, I clamped my free hand around my wrist above the wound and raised both hands above my heart. The ground below my feet began to spin. 


 From somewhere I heard a voice, or more precisely I felt the vibration of her words resonating inside of me. “ What is it that you fear?”  Spirit Crow’s face appeared on the screen that played in my head. In that moment I felt the blood return to my face, and wondered when my panic might begin its descent. I reminded myself out loud what I had learned, “The opposite of fear is awareness”, and set my mind to use the skills I had been given.


    As I drew the first breath I visualized strings holding the tension in my body as if I were a marionette. I felt each string tighten as I pulled the air deeper into my lungs, filling me beyond capacity. I made a conscious effort to pause and to hold on to the “sacred place between life and death”. In that instant I felt myself gliding silently on the momentum. As if the clutch to the machine that powered life, had been engaged.


 When it felt right I began to exhale, allowing each string go slack as the current of air slowly made its way through me. I focused on pushing every molecule of spent air from my body, as if they would kill me to remain.


  With my bodily tension all but gone, I pulled the second breath with incredible ease.  The gates of restriction had been opened and the rush of air formed a swirling vortex, who’s mission was to round up each fearful thought from my mind. My breath had become a vessel and I felt transformed as its cargo arrived at my core, fading away under the light of truth that burns in each of us.

 I felt an intense rush of energy surge up my spine, every cell in its path spinning alive and electric as I exhaled.


The third breath occurred without conscious thought, and I felt strangely disconnected from my body as if I were riding on the thick current of air being drawn inward. Images began to flash in my head.

A young boy lost in a corn maze, alone and trembling with tears streaming down his face.

Then, an older version of the same boy, being shunned by his teenaged friends. His face buried in his hands, hiding in his fear.

Finally, a young man sobbing over a hospital bed, holding the lifeless body of a woman with a face like his.


The fear in each image built on the last, until I felt as if I couldn’t take any more.

Then… as I exhaled they began to blow away, like of trees being stripped then disintegrated by an atomic blast.


I could feel myself coming back from this journey, my head was light and I could feel a strange buzzing that flowed through me from the base of my spine to the tips of my fingers. Euphoria was as good a word as any.


The throbbing pain in my hand had become no more than an annoying reminder to maintain my awareness.

I took a moment to sit on my log, pulled my shoe off and then my sock, deciding it would do as a pressure bandage. I understood for the first time just how powerful and destructive a force my fear had been, here now, and throughout my life.


I dragged my wooden cross member back to the uprooted oak and lay it into place, and spent the waning moments of dusk searching for leafy branches.

My mind was quiet as I laid the last of them into place.  I settled my body into my soft earthen bed,  then heaved a long slow sigh. There was an easy-ness about me and I realized the “sense of lack” Sparrow Hart had alluded to, was gone now.


 As this calm washed over me, my thoughts turned to Spirit Crow. The time we spent together was magical. She was magnetic in ways that I struggled to fully comprehend. The light of her truth shone from her eyes and beamed from her pores. Wisps of copper would conspire to kiss the soft folds of skin that gathered at her shoulders, as hard as I tried to resist, my eyes would inexplicably track to the magical lines that frame the corners of her mouth. More than physical traits, she possessed an indescribable quality that was wonderfully captivating.

 In this meditative state I felt her spirit deep inside.


My hands were lost to the blinding darkness, as I allowed my senses to override my thoughts. Blasts of wind raced through the trees with the deafening force of a midnight freight. Tree frogs and crickets filled the moments of empty silence between gusts.


 The multitude of stars reminding me I am always at home.


•August 16, 2011 • 2 Comments

I want to be alone
let these feelings well up inside of me
push away the remote
close the blinds
and face it all head on
let this void in my heart expand
let life and blood drain from these veins

who am I
without a mask
what happens when I bring to light
all that has been pushed into the darkest corners of my soul

there is no easy way into …or through… or out from this place
no drug that can do more than offer a temporary numbness
no lover or friend with hands strong enough to pull me
through these depths or hold me while I shake and beg for release

today I am alone
let it all pour in
unafraid of the pain that moves through me
how can I know fullness without embracing this emptiness
my emptiness
how will I ever come to be thrilled with absolute joy
if I am afraid to let pain into my heart
how can I find direction on this path
if I cannot admit to myself when I am lost

at every turn there are indicators
people pushed in my direction
their lives , their misery, and joy
all seem to be thrust into my view
as if by grand design to test my vision, my resolve
and my understanding of all or any of this

what does it all mean?
I wonder
Ego, presence, love, authenticity, energy, letting go, pain, trust, faith, passion, power, fear life ,death….. and truth
Its taken me half my life to come to this place, to stand at the edge of this cliff
To look into the eyes of truth, and then


•July 16, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Love is like a ghost. It can haunt you. It often appears in the strangest of places, without explanation – only to recede into the dust of night without notice. Love can strike fear into you. It can scream at you. It can amplify your infirmities. And in all honesty: it does. After all, the most prized virtue in the universe should have this kind of roaring power to: strike fear, scream, amplify every vulnerability you own.
But like a ghost, love too is mostly misunderstood. Like a ghost, most of us have seen the apparition. Felt it… welcomed it into our lives. Been haunted by it, and… brought to our knees by its power.
Love is a seductress, a raven haired vixen, always with the promise of more… smeared across the flames of blood full lips.
the warm breath of a sweet whisper –with a hint of all that is to come
Love is slowly and completely revealing yourself
being accepted not because you are sweet or kind
but because you are broken and flawed … because you have found the courage to reveal all that you have managed to hide away from the world
with the knowledge that at any moment and for any number of reasons
another could reject you because of those flaws
love is courage
and if we are lucky
love is a dance that pulls us away from our ego
and closer to our core

Ive had enough

•June 23, 2011 • Leave a Comment

She called again today,spoke with her lawyer and was ” pissed” because I made an amendment to our agreement. One that HAD to be made because in the owrd of my lawyer ” it left me wide open to reprisals down the road”
She’s angry and doesn’t understand the need to spell everything out like this when we had essentially agreed ~ Verbally. And… “after 30 years I shuld know and trust her ” I had to remind her how SHE was the one who insisted on using lawyers .

Anyhow here’s a rant I wrote to keep myself sane throughout this tedious and emotional process. I’m nt sure if I will fax this to her lawyer after this mess is settled.

“No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”

I don’t know what it is that won’t allow me to wrap my head around the idea of spousal support. I recall our marriage counselor stating that marriage when viewed through the eyes of the law is seen essentially as a business partnership. Partnership to me means an equal share as it relates to all aspects of the relationship. I have a business partner and our relationship is based on this principal. We both contribute to the business in our own unique ways. I spend most of my time in the office handling everything related to the administrative end of the business and he handles everything related to customer service, trouble shooting, training … a lot of hands on stuff. We come together to make the really important decisions. In this way our business relationship is very much like a marriage.
How does all of this relate to spousal support? Suppose I start to feel things are not good between us, maybe I’m only coming to the office once a week instead of every day, maybe I’m tired of the work, or “not into” the business anymore. My partner through his dedication to this business, sticks things out, maybe he’s hoping it’s just something I’m going through, maybe he sees the value in what I did and knows it would be more difficult to replace me than to hang on a while and see if my attitude and work ethic changes. So he picks up my slack, carries more of the load …and this goes on for a number of years until he finally decides to end our business relationship. Legally he is entitled to half of what we built together, no argument there, however, wouldn’t it make sense for him to be compensated for having to make up for the services I failed to provide over those number of years where I wasn’t holding up my end of the deal? After all this IS an equal partnership.
Would it make sense for me to argue that by me remaining in the office doing “less than meaningful” work, that somehow I had sacrificed my ability to grow and possibly reach my full potential? Meanwhile he was out in the field enhancing his knowledge and skills so that in his next venture his earning potential will be greater. Even if it growth and potential were the last thing on my mind, legally I could really make that argument.( luckily not as a partner in a business)
I don’t claim to know the law as it pertains to this situation, nor as it pertains to spousal support. All I know is how I view a situation such as this from a moral and ethical standpoint. This may well be why I can’t wrap my head around spousal support and the way the laws governing it are skewed.

How does this apply to this marital break up and the dilemma surrounding spousal support? According to the law there is no point in discovering the nature of the relationship. The financial goal is to equalize. The idea of equalization appeals to me but, there’s a flaw in the system… or at least the way I see it there is.
I wonder if this only makes sense to me. When we had a child we mutually agreed it would benefit the child for one of us to stay home and raise her. In my mind we both were making sacrifices for the greater good of our child as well as our relationship .My spouse gave up working outside the home and I had to work harder to make things jive financially. I had not only to make up for less income from her, but the added expense that comes with raising a child. Family law only recognizes that my spouse gave up her ability to earn income, but not the work I put in to make up for that.
Does the fact that my spouse never had to concern herself with our financial well- being figure into the equation? Does the law consider the responsibilities placed on myself; does it factor in 80+ hour work weeks, climbing ladders in the heat and bitter cold? Nope the law only recognizes what I took away from her, the ability for her to establish and advance her career. Does the law take into consideration the biggest sacrifice made during this period, that I missed out on being with my daughter. Twice during the earlier years of our marriage I was off work and home through injuries. I treasured the time I was able to be more in my daughter’s life, walking her to school, tagging along on school trips, being able to see her interact with her friends on a daily basis, and simply having the time to relate with her. It made me see exactly what I was missing and more than that, it made me feel less a part of my daughter’s life than my spouse had become. Some sacrifices are beyond the scope of compensation; does this mean they should never be mentioned?
My mistake … moral and ethical stuff doesn’t apply here when it comes to separation agreements and spousal support.

I wonder if the law has a concern about my spouse’s attitude toward contributing to the family income once our daughter was of an age where it was acceptable to rejoin the workforce without affecting my daughter in an adverse way. That when asked about this she responded by saying that part time was as much as she was prepared to do. I should add that at the time I asked her to contribute more I was flat on my back after a fall at work, and in the midst of a financial freefall. Let’s overstate the obvious here: It was at this point where I felt that our marriage was in deep trouble, for if we were truly partners and committed to supporting each other …this was an act of … defiance? Indifference? I can’t even find the words. When I needed her most her actions told me in no uncertain terms that I absolutely could not count on her. Period.
None of this is considered when deciding spousal support.

So just what goes into deciding the amount of spousal support?
The difference in income levels has to be equalized, using a simple formula based on that and the length of the marriage, and somewhere in all of that the law seeks to compensate the person who had sacrificed their earning potential over the course of the marriage. Or in other words pay for what you take away from the partnership, in my case I’m taking away my ability to earn income while leaving her without that ability. So if this was a fair and equal partnership, and for the sake or argument, we decided it was best for her to stay home and give up a career… then what exactly did she contribute? When asked she could list a hundred different things that she did, all of the work that comes with keeping a home and family going… everything she did had value: shopping, and cleaning and taxi service and laundry, running errands … all of this is invaluable to our family.
So, when I leave, I take away the financial stability, which I must compensate her for. She takes away everything which, by her own admission, was every bit as important to our relationship.
There is no law that allows for compensation regarding what can only be described as “invaluable” domestic responsibilities.
Because of the length of our marriage I have been told that the law could deem that I pay spousal support for an indefinite period, I’m still uncertain what the implications of “indefinite “ are, but it’s a frightening thing to think I may have to get up each day and head off to work knowing that almost half of what I earn will be given away to someone who has neither the intention or drive to become more self sufficient. Yes, in fact she has told me in no uncertain terms that the idea of improving her ability to be more self sufficient is not something she is prepared to do… in fact the mere suggestion caused her to become angry beyond reason.
Make no mistake, it is this response… the notion that she is somehow entitled to live out the rest of her life in leisure without any inclination toward self improvement … while I foot the bill, that can turn what should be a relatively simply settlement into a bitter anger fuelled battle, played out in front of everyone who would care to listen.

One simple shift in attitude would alleviate all of this. I am more than willing, I completely understanding of the requirement for me to compensate my spouse ( and in the process adjust my lifestyle) while she works at regaining her ability to be self-sufficient. No problem there at all. In our case I have offered her 10 years of support while withdrawing my right to haul her back into court to review what she has done to improve her situation. Ten years of not having to worry about rent. Ten years to discover what it is that she is passionate about, seek the appropriate training, and then find work in that field.
This is not about winning or losing, but finding a way for us to get on with our lives, in a manner that is fair to both parties.


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