alone

I want to be alone
let these feelings well up inside of me
push away the remote
close the blinds
and face it all head on
let this void in my heart expand
let life and blood drain from these veins

who am I
without a mask
what happens when I bring to light
all that has been pushed into the darkest corners of my soul

there is no easy way into …or through… or out from this place
no drug that can do more than offer a temporary numbness
no lover or friend with hands strong enough to pull me
through these depths or hold me while I shake and beg for release

today I am alone
let it all pour in
unafraid of the pain that moves through me
how can I know fullness without embracing this emptiness
my emptiness
how will I ever come to be thrilled with absolute joy
if I am afraid to let pain into my heart
how can I find direction on this path
if I cannot admit to myself when I am lost

at every turn there are indicators
people pushed in my direction
their lives , their misery, and joy
all seem to be thrust into my view
as if by grand design to test my vision, my resolve
and my understanding of all or any of this

what does it all mean?
I wonder
Ego, presence, love, authenticity, energy, letting go, pain, trust, faith, passion, power, fear life ,death….. and truth
Its taken me half my life to come to this place, to stand at the edge of this cliff
To look into the eyes of truth, and then
Jump.

Love

Love is like a ghost. It can haunt you. It often appears in the strangest of places, without explanation – only to recede into the dust of night without notice. Love can strike fear into you. It can scream at you. It can amplify your infirmities. And in all honesty: it does. After all, the most prized virtue in the universe should have this kind of roaring power to: strike fear, scream, amplify every vulnerability you own.
But like a ghost, love too is mostly misunderstood. Like a ghost, most of us have seen the apparition. Felt it… welcomed it into our lives. Been haunted by it, and… brought to our knees by its power.
Love is a seductress, a raven haired vixen, always with the promise of more… smeared across the flames of blood full lips.
the warm breath of a sweet whisper –with a hint of all that is to come
Love is slowly and completely revealing yourself
being accepted not because you are sweet or kind
but because you are broken and flawed … because you have found the courage to reveal all that you have managed to hide away from the world
with the knowledge that at any moment and for any number of reasons
another could reject you because of those flaws
love is courage
and if we are lucky
love is a dance that pulls us away from our ego
and closer to our core

Ive had enough

She called again today,spoke with her lawyer and was ” pissed” because I made an amendment to our agreement. One that HAD to be made because in the owrd of my lawyer ” it left me wide open to reprisals down the road”
She’s angry and doesn’t understand the need to spell everything out like this when we had essentially agreed ~ Verbally. And… “after 30 years I shuld know and trust her ” I had to remind her how SHE was the one who insisted on using lawyers .

Anyhow here’s a rant I wrote to keep myself sane throughout this tedious and emotional process. I’m nt sure if I will fax this to her lawyer after this mess is settled.

“No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”

I don’t know what it is that won’t allow me to wrap my head around the idea of spousal support. I recall our marriage counselor stating that marriage when viewed through the eyes of the law is seen essentially as a business partnership. Partnership to me means an equal share as it relates to all aspects of the relationship. I have a business partner and our relationship is based on this principal. We both contribute to the business in our own unique ways. I spend most of my time in the office handling everything related to the administrative end of the business and he handles everything related to customer service, trouble shooting, training … a lot of hands on stuff. We come together to make the really important decisions. In this way our business relationship is very much like a marriage.
How does all of this relate to spousal support? Suppose I start to feel things are not good between us, maybe I’m only coming to the office once a week instead of every day, maybe I’m tired of the work, or “not into” the business anymore. My partner through his dedication to this business, sticks things out, maybe he’s hoping it’s just something I’m going through, maybe he sees the value in what I did and knows it would be more difficult to replace me than to hang on a while and see if my attitude and work ethic changes. So he picks up my slack, carries more of the load …and this goes on for a number of years until he finally decides to end our business relationship. Legally he is entitled to half of what we built together, no argument there, however, wouldn’t it make sense for him to be compensated for having to make up for the services I failed to provide over those number of years where I wasn’t holding up my end of the deal? After all this IS an equal partnership.
Would it make sense for me to argue that by me remaining in the office doing “less than meaningful” work, that somehow I had sacrificed my ability to grow and possibly reach my full potential? Meanwhile he was out in the field enhancing his knowledge and skills so that in his next venture his earning potential will be greater. Even if it growth and potential were the last thing on my mind, legally I could really make that argument.( luckily not as a partner in a business)
I don’t claim to know the law as it pertains to this situation, nor as it pertains to spousal support. All I know is how I view a situation such as this from a moral and ethical standpoint. This may well be why I can’t wrap my head around spousal support and the way the laws governing it are skewed.

How does this apply to this marital break up and the dilemma surrounding spousal support? According to the law there is no point in discovering the nature of the relationship. The financial goal is to equalize. The idea of equalization appeals to me but, there’s a flaw in the system… or at least the way I see it there is.
I wonder if this only makes sense to me. When we had a child we mutually agreed it would benefit the child for one of us to stay home and raise her. In my mind we both were making sacrifices for the greater good of our child as well as our relationship .My spouse gave up working outside the home and I had to work harder to make things jive financially. I had not only to make up for less income from her, but the added expense that comes with raising a child. Family law only recognizes that my spouse gave up her ability to earn income, but not the work I put in to make up for that.
Does the fact that my spouse never had to concern herself with our financial well- being figure into the equation? Does the law consider the responsibilities placed on myself; does it factor in 80+ hour work weeks, climbing ladders in the heat and bitter cold? Nope the law only recognizes what I took away from her, the ability for her to establish and advance her career. Does the law take into consideration the biggest sacrifice made during this period, that I missed out on being with my daughter. Twice during the earlier years of our marriage I was off work and home through injuries. I treasured the time I was able to be more in my daughter’s life, walking her to school, tagging along on school trips, being able to see her interact with her friends on a daily basis, and simply having the time to relate with her. It made me see exactly what I was missing and more than that, it made me feel less a part of my daughter’s life than my spouse had become. Some sacrifices are beyond the scope of compensation; does this mean they should never be mentioned?
My mistake … moral and ethical stuff doesn’t apply here when it comes to separation agreements and spousal support.

I wonder if the law has a concern about my spouse’s attitude toward contributing to the family income once our daughter was of an age where it was acceptable to rejoin the workforce without affecting my daughter in an adverse way. That when asked about this she responded by saying that part time was as much as she was prepared to do. I should add that at the time I asked her to contribute more I was flat on my back after a fall at work, and in the midst of a financial freefall. Let’s overstate the obvious here: It was at this point where I felt that our marriage was in deep trouble, for if we were truly partners and committed to supporting each other …this was an act of … defiance? Indifference? I can’t even find the words. When I needed her most her actions told me in no uncertain terms that I absolutely could not count on her. Period.
None of this is considered when deciding spousal support.

So just what goes into deciding the amount of spousal support?
The difference in income levels has to be equalized, using a simple formula based on that and the length of the marriage, and somewhere in all of that the law seeks to compensate the person who had sacrificed their earning potential over the course of the marriage. Or in other words pay for what you take away from the partnership, in my case I’m taking away my ability to earn income while leaving her without that ability. So if this was a fair and equal partnership, and for the sake or argument, we decided it was best for her to stay home and give up a career… then what exactly did she contribute? When asked she could list a hundred different things that she did, all of the work that comes with keeping a home and family going… everything she did had value: shopping, and cleaning and taxi service and laundry, running errands … all of this is invaluable to our family.
So, when I leave, I take away the financial stability, which I must compensate her for. She takes away everything which, by her own admission, was every bit as important to our relationship.
There is no law that allows for compensation regarding what can only be described as “invaluable” domestic responsibilities.
Because of the length of our marriage I have been told that the law could deem that I pay spousal support for an indefinite period, I’m still uncertain what the implications of “indefinite “ are, but it’s a frightening thing to think I may have to get up each day and head off to work knowing that almost half of what I earn will be given away to someone who has neither the intention or drive to become more self sufficient. Yes, in fact she has told me in no uncertain terms that the idea of improving her ability to be more self sufficient is not something she is prepared to do… in fact the mere suggestion caused her to become angry beyond reason.
Make no mistake, it is this response… the notion that she is somehow entitled to live out the rest of her life in leisure without any inclination toward self improvement … while I foot the bill, that can turn what should be a relatively simply settlement into a bitter anger fuelled battle, played out in front of everyone who would care to listen.

One simple shift in attitude would alleviate all of this. I am more than willing, I completely understanding of the requirement for me to compensate my spouse ( and in the process adjust my lifestyle) while she works at regaining her ability to be self-sufficient. No problem there at all. In our case I have offered her 10 years of support while withdrawing my right to haul her back into court to review what she has done to improve her situation. Ten years of not having to worry about rent. Ten years to discover what it is that she is passionate about, seek the appropriate training, and then find work in that field.
This is not about winning or losing, but finding a way for us to get on with our lives, in a manner that is fair to both parties.

fuel

Shhh listen to my hands
let them speak to you in the hushed tones of a delicate whisper
an electric flow from the tips of my fingers to the depths your soul, softly penetrating the chambers of your beating heart.
Hold me powerless in your gaze, azure portals that beckon into the depths of your being.
Your lips and breath….Fuel the flames of my deepest desires
I want you
all of you
I want to
take you
feel the weight of me against you
my hands interlaced in yours
skin on skin
Let go of every inhibition
open the floodgates that harness your river of passion
and drown me in your abandon
show your heart to me
and I will dance in the moonlight of your fantasies
as if tomorrow may never come

days like these

Does she see me for the man I am? Is she waiting to discover more … is she skilled at peeling back the layers that insulate my core?

Something about her tells me to be patient, to wade through this fast moving stream of discovery.

 I sit to write and I find myself lost in the sea of azure, swept up in a moment spent in her eyes.

When I arrived she was dressed for play in a summery print dress that seemed to whisper to my mind “I want you”.  

  We’d spent the day travelling and talking, drinking wine and spilling our outlook slowly over each other. We drove east then south off the highway  ,layers of breath-taking colour streaking the horizon .   I witnessed her dark tresses as they we captured by the sinking sun. Layers of plum with wisps of copper falling about her shoulders, it was as if it the entire beautiful moment occurred solely to steal my breath.

I pulled the car over and mumbled something about wanting to witness the sunset, blood swirling in my mid-section… thoughts of my fingertips drifting gently across her skin, anticipating the heat of her breath against my lips.  

days like this define what it is that takes place between us.

warm rays of sunshine breathing life into us

wine seeping into our souls slow and sweet

music in the air … in my head

the soundtrack to a perfect day

people pass and smile because they recognize

the romance… in a look

in a touch

life should be filled with days like these.

jammed up

she took my call today
her voice soft and distant
too many words stuck in my head
so much ,but none of it said

this love is like a mountain
thrust from a calm sea

it’s depth and intensity
clearly overwhelm me

thoughts in this head
won’t let me be
this storm in my heart
this boat lost at sea

love …. won’t let me be

beauty in motion

The way she moves

 slow and rhythmic, altering my long held idea of grace

 I watch her and… without conscious thought my hands seek the electric current

 that flows in the space between the tips of my fingers and the heat of her skin

 she is below me ,looking at me with her cosmic eyes

 I am on top of her, kissing her neck taking bites with my lips

 my fingers search for her fleshy parts

 then in the sepia glow of the streetlight

 I slide myself into the warmth of her centre

 we both gasp as if the room were void of oxygen

 a wave courses through me and I push it back to her in the place we are connected

 this is more than my sex moving in her

 I am not thinking

I am feeling

 There is only one gift to give and that is everything

 she presses back into me continuing the wave of life force between us 

 I feel her giving me everything as our bodies heave together

 I can feel her beginning to move with me and finally

 I feel as if we are dancing together

 without stepping on toes or stumbling

don’t let it show

 

it’s a quiet Sunday

i choose not fill it with the self-imposed duty

that has unmasked itself as my most effective tool of distraction

I’m not sure that it helps me to feel better

or just to feel less

everyone close to me is hurting

I’ve always been able to minimize the impact of my actions

not now , I can’t see a way to makes things ok again

I wish I could find some middle ground

a place where I can be ok with myself and the decisions I make

and not be the source of pain for others

if you could see the fallout here

the comfortable feeling that only family and home can give…gone

each of us hanging on to a shred of what we had

I  imagine if they knew the real truth it would unbearable

for everyone

I lied to myself so well that I believed it to be true

I was so fucking good at wanting what I wanted

I didn’t love her and that made it ok

I could see all that she wasn’t giving me

and that was justification enough

I didn’t want to see anything

except for me

Des puts up a mighty front

hard and bitchy ,and reduced to tears

at the mention of anything related to family

she turns away from me when she can’t hold back

doesn’t want me to see her pain

and I wish I could fix this mess that has become our lives

It’s easy to see she would never understand the lies and deceit

all respect for me would be shattered

and just because she doesn’t know

 doesn’t make it any less of a lie

I hide away with these feelings

I am hollow and empty when I am unable to push them from my head

My conscience has me pinned

Not being found out has spared them the anguish that comes

with the knowledge of living a lie.

learning to love you

Love is always in my head whenever I think of you Chris. You held on to the things I wrote you, well intentioned proclamations about the depth of my love for you. More importantly you poured your love into words for me ,each of them a gift from your heart , all of your words reaching me ,speaking to me of your immense capacity to love.

Reading through them moved me in ways that are difficult to articulate and I can’t begin to tell you everything that comes into my mind or flows through my heart as I read them.

I wasn’t looking for you nor you for me, but we found each other  and even though we were years away from what I can only describe as our truest connection, we realized quickly that our bond was so much more than the escape it offered us from our barely tolerable lives. Right from the beginning it felt like we were supposed to meet , we were pulled together by a mysterious force.

I smile when I think about the long nights spent online talking our way into each others hearts.  Ours is the story I will tell my grandchildren should they ever find the need to ask their old grandfather about love. I would tell them how everything that held meaning in my life was built up slowly, over long period of time. With a woman that captivated me in every sense of the word… with you.

  You taught me to love Chris. Before you I really had no clue, love was a word, an idea that was placed in my mind …without really taking the time to understand it? When I look back at my life before you, my notion of love was to give something to someone with the hope that they will give me what I need in return. You showed that love wasn’t a commodity; there was no score to keep.

I see the stages of our love in layers….we met online and there was an initial interest, a spark, an immediate feeling of ease with each other. We had peeled back this first layer, and it was as many people experience, exciting.. filling our hearts with interest and intrigue. Soon we were talking and sharing more deeply the stories of our lives, how we came to be who we are, and you revealed more of yourself, more of the woman inside of you. Up to this point in my life this was as deeply as I had loved, it was magical. I couldn’t wait to hear your voice, I would rush home to read the latest e-mail from you…I would lay awake at night thinking of kissing you, holding you in my arms.

Then we met in the flesh and it felt so good to hold you, to finally touch you….it was the culmination of months of the deepest desire I had ever experienced, and everything about it was incredible. The way you touched me , held me in your gaze… I remember how completely full my heart was the night we first touched each other… all of my childhood fantasies of love and connection were coming true.

       I’m thinking way back when to I was in Morocco more than 25 years ago, a bunch of us spent a week with a Berber family in the mountains. Ali, the eldest son became our unofficial guide… One day we hiked up into the high country and he took us to this temple. Even though I was far from being aware and quite cynical of organized religion, there was a sacred feeling as we stood outside of this holy building. I wished I had paid more attention, learned more about the history and people of this place. I remember it was surrounded by a high brick wall with an ornate entrance and we had to wear something that covered our heads before we were allowed to enter.  After removing our shoes and wrapping scarves around our heads, we stepped through this entrance. Inside, there was a short courtyard and then another brick wall with another entrance. There was a ceremony of some kind then, lighting incense and giving offerings, we stepped through the second entrance. We were allowed to go through the opening in one more wall, but that was it. We were told there were ten walls around the deity in the middle. I think he said Hindus could go beyond the fourth wall. Those that were more devout could go further.

 This is how I see us… me opening myself to you… and you peeling away layers of built up defense against hurt , little by little revealing yourself, the songs that moved you, the thoughts that filled your head…. Your immense capacity for love… and I was pulled into you Chris …in awe of you at times. Over the years you changed, I would tell you how you were softer … that there was an easiness about you. I changed too, my anger and bitterness was fading. We had grown out of that stage of our lives together. You were allowing me closer to your centre, I couldn’t help but love you more . Years and years of peeling back layers, stripping back the walls that protected us, as if you were the deity at the centre of the temple and the more love I gave … the more I worshipped you, the closer I got to you… to witness the beauty and wonder that is your very core.

There were times I would feel overwhelmed by all of this, this was new territory for me. I wonder if you would understand if I told you that I was afraid of the power in all of this… in us. That I was afraid because this was HUGE and you had made yourself completely vulnerable to me.

There were times I slipped up , that had you questioning if you should open yourself so wide … times that I hurt you. Times where your reaction was to tell me that you would have to pull back… show me less of you.

 Only now can I see the significance of that. I questioned if I was strong enough to give… to be in your heart completely …and most importantly to not hurt you.

I can’t find a way to explain this to you the way I want to. The depth of our love isn’t what I fear….. it’s the responsibility that comes with knowing I will mess things up and hurt you , and that by loving you I am only enticing you to be more vulnerable to that hurt.

That’s not even close to getting to what I want to.

I didn’t write this to explain everything. All of this and much more has been churning inside of me , and I needed to get it out.

I love you .

want and need

 

Two words echo in the dark chambers of my mind

Want and need.

I spy her in tucked safely in the vacant corner of coffee shop. Her cat eyes fix on me as if I am prey, and sometimes I wonder if that is what I am for her. She touches me and her warmth invades my senses. We talk in small voices, hushed tones reserved for people who share an intimate secret. My eyes fall to the magical lines that frame the corners of her mouth…. I want nothing else but to feel the weight of her body pressed against mine.

 We talk but the words wash over me, like a gentle rain through a dense forest.

__________________________________________________________

I see easiness about her as I look into her eyes. We are driving through the heat of a summer night on our way something magical.  Gliding on a country road, the windows are down; she is singing along to an old song… and laughing as the wind whips at her hair. I think to myself that I couldn’t possibly script something this wonderful….I make a conscious effort to drink in every second of this moment.

Soon we’re parked at the side of deserted road. My hand has made its way to hers-we touch. Her skin on mine is like a flavour exploding on my tongue. It spreads like it has wings and flies through my entire body, filling me with heat in the warmth of an early summer night.

  Our mouths meet perfectly, and our lips are engaged in sweet suction. The need to feel her against me…. The heat from her centre writhing and pushing against my lips, my tongue, my mouth. I am over her and soon my lips are searching for the softness and heat of her pussy. More than want is need. Now I find myself needing more… her kisses, her laughter, her words…. Her eyes.